WELL BEHAVED CHILDREN
by Pastor Susan Beninate
"Children must be taught - not just expected to know. "
I think we can all agree that children require "constant attention" in their early years. What is meant by that? It's more than just constantly watching what your children are doing . There are constants in "constant attention" that, if adhered to, will bring positive results. These are the things which must be the same all the time. There is no room for deviation from the "constant" rules.
RULE #1 NEVER REWARD BAD BEHAVIOR!!!!
When a child is crying or throwing a public tantrum, too often parents use bribery to quiet the child and avoid embarassment. A lolly pop might cheer him up, but it will send the wrong message. Keep in mind that we are ALWAYS teaching our children. If your child doesn’t want to sit in his seat or is frustrated because you aren't doing what he wants to do right now, any form of "reward" would only teach him that if he cries loud enough or pouts long enough he’ll get a treat.
I was in a popular retail store on Long Island a few months ago while a five year old was creating chaos in the women's dress department. She was running under dress racks pulling dresses off the hangers into a heap on the floor. Each time her mother reached for her, she screamed as though she were being tortured. How embarrassing for that mother. From the augument between the mother and child, I was able to glean that the little girl didn't want to be in the dress department, she wanted to go to the toy department and the mother had not complied with the demands of the daughter. The mother tried to quietly tell the little girl that if she would just get back into the cart, they would go to the toy department in a few minutes. That was not okay with the little girl who began demanding, "I want to go now!" The next method the mother tried was indifference, "Okay, fine,go ahead then, act like a brat, see if I care!" That was followed by threats, "If you keep this up, we'll never go to the toy department." It's little wonder this child is confused. Within five minutes, the mother had told her child to stop acting that way, go ahead and act that way , I care about how you act, I don't care about how you act, we'll go to the toy department, we'll never go to the toy department. The mother finally dealt with the issue by picking up the child, who was kicking and screaming, and physically forcing her into the cart. The mother was so angry by that time that she didn't realize how rough she was being with the child. (I suspect that later she felt guilty and probably compounded this discipline problem by giving in to some other demand of this little girl.) The final wrong move was in the check out line. The screaming child was in the cart demanding candy from the display at the check out counter. The mother said, "no", but the screaming and crying finally got the best of an older lady standing behind them in line. The lady reached into her bag and came up with some gum for the little girl. The mother smiled and said, "Say thank you to the nice lady." The little girl mumbled something, the screaming stopped and the mother just looked embarrassed. I believe what I witnessed was child abuse! I can guarantee that the entire chaotic event was repeated many more times in the life of that mother and child, because the final outcome was a piece of gum, the reward for the bad behavior.
What is a mother to do in a situation like that? Let me be quick to remind you that proper child training is often inconvenient for the parent. The right thing to do was to take the child out of the public area, perhaps to the rest room or the car, and deal with the inappropriate behavior. After being properly disciplined, the little girl should have returned to the dress department with her mother, knowing that if she didn't behave properly there would be additional correction. The message here is that teaching the child to respect authority and display behavior that is acceptable in public is more important than the shopping trip or the new dress or whatever other purpose the mother had. This little girl needed to know what was expected of her and what would happen if she didn't comply. Too often adults think children should just know how to act in certain situations. It was apparent that this child was out of control. Her mother needed to set some boundaries and standards of behavior and enforce them.
On the other side of that issue, we must be certain to reward good behavior. It doesn’t take children long to find out which things pay off. The rewards don’t always have to be material ... a little sincere praise goes a long way. It's vitally important that parents recognize the needs of their children. There is a huge need for attention, positive attention is preferred, but negative attention is better than none in the mind of a child. Children are more confident when boundaries are set and enforced. They need to have the confidence that the parents are in charge and will do what is best for them regardless of the inconvenience. There is comfort in knowing what is right and what is wrong and the consequence of each.
Direct questions or comments about parenting to: pastorssb@ctkusa.org